The Cold War of Words

I heard a story a few days ago on the news that indicated the SATs will be changing, yet again. I have to admit, the math changes disturb me little; there was always too much abstract geometry in there, and trust me, you never need abstract geometry. We have computers for that!

But I was saddened, disheartened, nay, dispirited to learn that the College Board will be making the essay section optional and eliminating many of the dreaded "SAT words" from the test. Oh, my dear readers, this is a travesty! Without a need to study rare words, most students will never encounter them at all. Call me a logophile (after you look it up), but I distinctly remember the day I joyously discovered "saturnine" and used it in a sentence. It was ninth grade. I think it was a Tuesday.

And while computers are wonderful at solving equations, they simply cannot mask bad writing. Language is far too complex to capture in an algorithm. This is something that must be practiced, continually, and with relish.

I am forced to read the writing of others almost every day, and come to tears nearly as often by the grating nature of the trite prose I encounter. Give me some variety, people! Buy a thesaurus! Or if you are too cheap for Roget, use the free version online. At the very least, learn to end a thought. (Or is it that your thoughts never end?)

One of my favorite writers in English is Vladimir Nabokov. Yes, he was from freakin' Russia. English was his third language, and he used it better than virtually anyone else I've ever read or known. It's time to step it up, America.

It isn't that I'm opposed to change. And I'm sure the new tests will more accurately reflect what students learn in the classroom. But that is precisely the point. Students are not learning the full breadth and depth of the English language. They are not learning that there are actual words to describe specific feelings, objects, and events. And I believe people who cannot fully describe life, cannot fully experience it either.

If you would like to test your writing acumen, try describing your next glass of sparkling wine, like the Gocce di Luna Moondrops Prosecco ($14). It's inexpensive, so you can waste a few bad adjectives on it as you practice. We found it to be furiously bubbly, with torrents of gas like a hot tub in winter, and dulcet apple tones that made our mouths pucker.

And now it's your turn. Long live words!

Score: A unanimous 3.

Recommended: Easy to drink for those who like sweeter wines.