It's a well-run class, though, and I'm already liking the assignments (here's your cue to make fun of me for liking homework). This week, we had to write a short "how-to" monologue. At first I was going to write about to make toast, but that seemed too cheeky, and I haven't met these people face to face yet, they might not understand my cheeks. So I settled on this:
Brave
We all come into this world screaming,
honey, it isn't just you. But stop thinking that's the only note you
can hit. Find your voice by singing in the car. People will look, but
that's ok, there's glass in the way. Then start talking to the
cashier at the grocery store. He'll ask you if it's a daikon or a
parsnip, and very loudly proclaim IT'S A DAIKON. He will get it.
Then sign up for an improv class with eleven other strangers.
It's ok at this point because they never put beginners on stage.
Chortle really loudly whenever anyone makes a joke about bodily
functions. It will happen, often. And eventually, that will be your
laugh, and you will be the girl at the party with the deep chortle,
and they will envy you. Then
you can really get things going. Show up to work in a spaghetti strap
dress and flip flops, even if it's not Friday. And change the jug on
the water cooler by yourself. Then ask for a raise (you will get it).
Then get beers for everyone and when the clock strikes five prance
around the office like a little beer fairy, leaving a bottle on every
desk. You will be loved.
Fly across the country by yourself and make eyes at any cute
man you see, but only eyes. Then throw on your sunglasses and pretend
you are a celebrity flying coach because you are incognito studying
for a role about a midwestern housewife who escapes to New York and
is discovered for a Broadway play because her chortle is overheard by
a producer on the subway. This could happen to you.
And then, instead of flying back, rent a car and drive across the
country. Plot a good route that takes you past the biggest landmarks,
but stand far away from them when you take your picture so they look
small compared to you. Don't talk to strangers, unless you are in
Denver (they have the nicest strangers). You will drive through a
thunderstorm no matter what time of year, so grip that steering wheel
and roll up the windows and make sure your brights are on as you tail
behind a semi-truck that is plowing a path for you in the deluge.
This will be another opportunity to sing in the car. And in the end,
when you get home, go ahead and parallel park the car in the rental
car parking lot as they come to get your keys. This will
impress everyone. If you follow
these steps, you should be able to say what is on your mind without
screaming or crying, and that's the bravest thing of all.
***
If you would like to be brave today, you might try the Marques de Gelida Cava, Brut Reserva 2009 ($20). This wine had a bright, almost grassy aroma, with a bitter-smooth taste. It left an unpleasant aftertaste, but it's made with organic grapes, so at least we know it's not from the pesticides.
Score: An all-around 2.5
Recommended: It's a limited edition, and that's probably a good thing.
